Well, I can safely say my hands have never been cleaner, every time I come in the house, I resemble Lady Macbeth, although I’m not sure she ever did her thumbs. Of course, in the UK, we are used to dealing with things like corona virus with humour. Who needs alcohol hand gel when dry irony is to hand, right? Good old blitz spirit, that’s us Brits, never happier than when we’re cowering from bombs in an underground station drinking bromide tainted tea, apparently.

We should all listen to the coronavirus experts, of course, suddenly back in fashion, but there’s a lot of fake news to chew over too. Apparently, if you pee on your hands, it stops people shaking them. To be fair, that seems to work…

I’ve stockpiled all the essentials, reminiscent of Ewan Mcgregor’s ‘self-isolation’ in Trainspotting – swapping out the heroin for Earl Grey and the porn for Olbas Oil. As far as food goes, we should be OK, there’s the mincemeat and lentils at the back of the cupboard, and there’s always Neo the cat if push comes to shove, although even he’s started sneezing. I’m not sure he’s taken the official advice on board, seeing as he still licks his unmentionables at every opportunity.

As a goth, I’ve been expert at self-isolating for years, contemplating existence, drinking cider, listening to the Cure, so here’s a few ideas how to pass the time.

  • Watch Jojo Rabbit – a movie about a German family hiding a Jewish girl in WWII, to the annoyance of idiotic imaginary friend, Adolf Hitler. Black comedy at its finest from Taika Waititi, one of my favourite directors.
  • If you’re a Trekkie, you’re no doubt all over Picard. What’s not to like about Patrick Stewart in anything? Not much if you look at the stellar ratings.
  • And why not watch Seinfeld from the beginning? (Streaming free on All Four in the UK.) Considering it’s 30 years old, it stands up well – see what I did there, stands up/ stand up? (if you have to explain your jokes, Shaun…)
  • I’ll definitely be cooking. Making brownies while the eggs, chocolate, butter, sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder last following my favourite recipe.
  • And if you’re a parent like me, why not learn the syllabus for every subject your teenager is going to need schooling in when the education system shuts down? After all, school was never boring first time round, right?
  • There’s no reason not to continue your role playing games via Skype, my sexy sorceress ain’t going to play herself, is she? Talking of which, I must protest strongly at the victimisation of us role players in the new Uber Eats adverts. Have you seen them, taking the mickey out of good, honest geekdom? Disgusting!
  • Isolation may give more time to work through my to-be-read book pile, still got some Mark Lawrence and V.E. Schwab to enjoy, might even tackle Wise Man’s Fear – book two of Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Chronicles – if I get to the end of all 900 pages, it will be a sign this epidemic has lasted too long though.
  • If you’re a part-time gamer like I am, why not get so good at Fifa on the PlayStation that your kids realise it’s totally uncool now and devote themselves to studying quantum computing and French philosophy instead?
  • And if all else fails, whittling a stick passes the time.

Oh yeah, and I shall probably do some writing too…

And you could always read this book. It’s a lot of fun. I know the author personally, and she’s great, so I’m sure her book will put a smile on your face.

Bargain at Bravebank: A Western Steampunk Adventure
(The Legacy of Lucky Logan Book 1)

By J. R. Frontera

A deal gone bad… …and Van Delano is left to die in the desert.

But most folk said he’d been cursed with a double-barreled shotgun of mulishness. So when his first attempt at bargaining for his kidnapped sister’s freedom lands him with a dead horse, a bullet in his leg, and miles of desert between him and the nearest town… he’s not about to give up.

He’ll fight and claw, cheat and steal, even kill, if he has to… he made his sister a promise and he’s damn sure gonna keep it. Doesn’t matter if most folk say she’s dead. Doesn’t matter if the outlaw queen of the Western Territories is playin’ him. Doesn’t matter if his new metal leg makes him a wanted man, hunted by both the superstitious and the greedy. He’s a man out for his own redemption, and the only way to pay that debt is to track down his sister and get her free… no matter the cost.

For fans of The Coilhunter series, Make Me No Grave and the Red Dead Redemption games… saddle up for this gritty, gun-blazin’, gadget-laden re-imagining of the Old West and grab your copy today!

Get it HERE

That’s all for now. Stay healthy, wash those hands like a demon, and look after one another with kindness.

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